Hopes and dreams, and all that good stuff.

11:05am: I'm thankful for the good and happy times we had, I'm thankful for everything you ever did for me, I'm thankful for all the love I had from you and all the love I still have, I'm thankful for the joy I was able to bring to you, I'm thankful for all the memories I'll carry forever.

I miss you so much. I wish you were here.

2:14am: Fill our mouths with cinnamon.

There are two more days until summer vacation. Tomorrow (technically today) I will study Biology all day. Then I will do one final edit of my wonderful HUEN paper, print it, write Anja a nice letter telling her thanks for the wonderful semester, and slide them both under her office door. Then I will take my Biology final and dominate it. Then I will study French and Biochemistry. Then on Tuesday I will continue to study until it's time to take my French final, then I will study until my Biochem final. And then... it will all be over. Whatever happens happens, it won't matter how well I did on anything because it will all just be history, and it will no longer be in my control. I will never take this many hard classes all at the same time ever again. I will not allow myself to become smothered in school like this again. I will not miss this semester -- I will miss some of my classes and some of my professors and some of my friends from classes, but I will not miss the sum total of too much work and stress and worry. I'm so close to it all being over -- Matrix methods and fluids are already a thing of the past, and it doesn't matter anymore. My HUEN paper is written and done, and I'm just 3 tests away from being allowed to sleep all day and go outside and be with my people and not worry anymore. Sweet release.

Scot always emphasized how important it is for us to always be intentional about everything, and to always spend our afternoons and make every second count. But, unfortunately, since about mid-March, I've been just pushing through each week just to get to the weekend, and pusing through the semester just to get to the summer. I wasted so many minutes, so much time has flown by, and now in two more tiny days I will be half way done with college. I'm not ready to be half way done, it's still just all so new. I haven't been holding on tightly enough, just for dear life, that's all. I need to be more intentional, live in the moment, spend my afternoons, be more in control. Next semester I'll do better. I just need to slow down. And sleep.

Two more days. Just today and tomorrow. I can do this.

8:32pm: I'm falling from the ceiling, you're falling from the sky.

This semester is smothering my soul, and I need it to quit it. Right now, I'm thinkning that school is too hard and that I'm not good enough to accomplish anything, therefore I shouldn't be an engineer. I'm sure that if I wasn't so exhausted and overwhelmed, I woudn't be thinking these unpleasant thoughts, but it goes to show what a bad place I've been in.

I'm not doing very well in many of my classes, even though I'm trying so so hard. Biochem is so interesting and I feel like I'm learning a huge amount of really cool stuff, and I get really excited about it sometimes, but I still can't seem to succeed on the tests no matter what I do. Matrix methods has been miserable lately because of our stupid research project -- We can't find any applications for any of the math we're learning, even after dozens of hours scouring the math/physics library and digging through volume after volume of advanced math books.... How is it possible that Augustin Cauchy published almost 800 papers in his lifetime and we can't find a single one related to our course material that has a practical application? We're failing miserably, and it's making me feel badly about myself, which isn't fair at all. Plus, the class average on our last midterm was a 48. The highest grade in the class was an 84, even though there were 120 points possible. I got a 60, which is better than the average by quite a bit, but it's also the worst grade I've gotten on a test in all of college, and that also makes me hate myself. Why is it that I try and try and push myself to the breaking point over and over again, and I constantly stress myself out and do everything I can, and yet I still fail? What's happening to me, why do I feel so stupid and worthless? I'm usually the optimist, but I can't take this shit anymore. There was a line between being busy and being buried, and I have crossed that line this semester. I'm taking 5 classes next semester instead of 6, and only 3 of them are technical instead of 4, as I was originally planning. Hopefully, I'll have an amazing summer and have a great time in Andrews next year, and I'll remember why I loved school so much and everything will go back to how it was. I just don't know how to get through these next three and a half weeks and still be able to feel good about myself.

How can I be surrounded by so many of my friends and yet still feel so alone and hopeless?

3:39pm: Then powerful pulsing of blood in the veins.

Many many things have happened in the last three weeks or so, but I've been too lazy to go through it all and document it. Now, however, I'm too lazy to start my pile of homework, so I suppose it's about that time.

So, the last time I posted, I went off on this rant that I'd had bottled up for weeks about Joon, and still failed to elaborate on completely. The moral of that story is that three days later, we broke up. As if we didn't see it coming, right? I finally saw him that Thursday late at night after one of the worst and most painful days I'd had in a long time (I had two big tests and lots of stress and no sleep and too many responsibilities, so I was pretty frazzled). He took me to get coffee and broke up with me, and it really sucked at the time because I had just spent the last few days trying to convince myself that it was worth trying to stick things out with him, and plus I was already about to have a nervous breakdwn because of all the aforementioned stress. Next, I spent all night memorizing Hamlet lines with Kyla, and it was really fun and took my mind off things, and after that I really stopped being upset about that. As my dad said, if he hadn't broken up with me, I probably would have done it ten minutes later. In retrospect, he was a pretty loust boyfriend, and I really saw the end coming from a long way away and wasn't all that emotionally invested in the thing. So the heartbreak was pretty minimal from both parties, as far as I know, and I haven't seen or spoken to the guy since. I'll see him tomorrow for the frisbee game (unless it's cancelled, which is likely because of all the snow we've gotten and all the snow we're supposed to get tonight and tomorrow morning) and I'm determined to make it un-awkward.

Then was spring break... I didn't really do very much noteworthy because I just needed some time to repose and be a slug because this semester is too hard. That week off couldn't have come at a better time. I spent lots of time with my mommy, and we did a lot of shopping and sleeping and crossword puzzles and cooking and other things that I enjoy. I found out that I did not get the RA job for next year (I later found out that's primarily because housing was an ass and reduced the number of Honors hires from 9 to 1, and that 1 had to be a guy, so I didn't really have a shot at the job at all, in reality) but Kyla got the ASR job. I'm ridiculously excited that she got that job because she's clearly the right person for the job and she totally deserves it. But at the time, I started to totally panic because we sort of were planning on being roommates, and now she was going to be living in Andrews and I wasn't. Plus, both of my parents were pushing me to try to get into Andrews because they knew that I've wanted to live there for a long time and I couldn't seem to remember any of the many reasons I once had for not signing my committment a month ago, so I decided to talk to Scot and see if there was any way I could still live there.

So on Monday I sat down with Scot and begged and pleaded a little, and he said he'd see what he could do. I was completely on the edge all week, because of course now I had my heart completely set on Andrews hall, and I didn't think I could take any more heartbreak after a week of no more Joon and no more RA. This past week was so hard -- coming back to class hit me like a ton of bricks, and none of my teachers seemed to think it a good idea to let us ease back into our work routines, so I had a hundred other things to deal with anyways. Thursday was the most stressful day of all -- I had classes all morning, then Kyla and Kelsey and I bought plane tickets to China (YYYAAAAYYYYY!!!!) which was a complete nightmare and ended up taking up almost two hours of my afternoon, and I had to leave for TEAMS before we could get our tickets to Xi'an, but Kyla said she'd take care of it. We usually get home from TEAMS around 5, and I needed to go to drop-in advising between 4 and 5, and I had a math assignment due at 5 that I coudn't turn in before we left for TEAMS because I was trying to buy plane tickets. I was so stressed and edgy all afternoon, basically. But then I got a text message from Scot (pahaha, yeah he actually got my number from Kyla and sent me a text message, because he's that hip) saying he got me into Andrews and I just needed to turn in my paperwork and money, which made my day THAT MUCH better. Stephanie drove back from TEAMS extra fast, so I got to the ChemE department at 4:57, with just enough time to get my advising flag lifted so I could register. Then I dashed upstairs and turned in my homework at 5:02, but it was OK because Anne wasn't there yet to pick it up yet, so it wasn't even late. Then I went home and crashed and freaked out about Andrews with my friends.

After that, my stress level finally went back down, and I had a really enjoyable Friday and so far a very lazy Saturday. Yesterday Takako and I had a blast in the Math/Physics library reading books about Augustin Cauchy (mostly in French, becuase we're both just that cool), then I spent some time in the Engineering Center reading about much math discovery, then I went to the Lesser House for a HUEN foreign film night with pizza and cookies and popcorn. Then Kyla and I walked home in the rain and got totally soaked and it was awesome, which meant we had a pj's + fuzzy socks + hot tea party, and we started learning Chinese. I can say ten things now! It's way exciting.

Tomorrow I'm making Lizzie's banana chocolate chip cookies and giving most of them to Scot, because he's done a lot of favors for me lately, and I feel like that means I owe him baked goods. Also, I think it should snow more, please. I feel well-rested since I slept all day today and didn't work at all yet, and I'm super excited for China and Andrews hall and I'm totally ready for this semester to be over, beause I'm really really tired of this constant stress.

PS -- Operation Cowboy Pajamas is a go! I love crafts!

4:30pm: It's good to have you with us, even if it's just for the day.

Woa, life is weird and crazy! I feel like the last two weeks I haven't been myself at all, but today I feel a lot better. I've been sick as shit and had one hell of a time getting over it all the way to the point where I don't have to constantly be all drugged up, but today I feel pretty darned normal. The weather was be-youtiful, and my French class tried really hard to get class moved outside, but Prof. Ahmad told us to all get our asses back inside immediately, so we ended up failing at that a little. Maybe next time.

The only thing that's still way off-center is Joon... Things have been WAY too casual. I never ever see him, and whenever I do see him it's in weird public context so I don't really feel like I'm his girlfriend. Having lunch with him in the dining hall once a week is just not cutting it for me, shockingly enough. I saw him on Sunday for a while at the Ultimate game (which we actually won.... And I scored one point! Pa-cha!) but I was tired and zonked and queezy so I barely even got to talk to him. The last time I had a real conversation with him was last Thursday when I walked him to German, and he was really distracted and kept saying how his biggest worry was how little he got to see me. I kept telling him not to worry about it because I wanted to make him feel better, but in all honesy, I DO want him to worry about it, because then maybe he'll try harder. There must be a way for him to make a little bit more time for me, right? Just an hour here or there when we can be in the same place. I have this petty need to have reassurance that he's still in this, and never seeing him is going to send me to the loony bin. Christina has picked up on the fact that it's been killing me lately, so she keeps asking me when's the next time I'm going to see him and acts really shocked when she hears how far away our next "date" is (and by "date" I mean 20 minute lunches when we say 10 words to each other). I don't want to sound needy or anything, but I have this Romantic idea that a boyfriend should actually want to spend quality time with and surprise me and take me out once in a while, or want to tell me about whatever it is that's bothering him without me having to beg or guess. Now, this is the part where you all say "You need to talk to him about how you feel," but the hitch with that plan is that I need to have more than 15 minutes to talk to him at a time so I can actually accomplish this. So until then, I feel frustrated and lonely, which is not how someone in a relationship is supposed to feel. I need a big warm Joon hug, please....!

1:21am: Celebrate the irony.
Ok, so I'm incrediby swamped right now. Within the span of two weeks, I have five midterms, two essays, and art project, a 4-page paper, and two big interviews. Seriously....? However, somehow miraculously, I still find time to do legendary things with my best friends. For Ian's birthday, we all dressed up in togas and neckties and went running around downtown Bouder all night. We ate Chipotle and had a photo scavenger hunt in Target and sang happy birthday to him on a crowded Bound bus. Kyla and I were the cheer leaders for the indoor intramural soccer team, and we wore knee socs and rolled up our jeans to show them off, and the other team was way jealous. We watched Idiocracy late at night and fell asleep with 5 of us all on one couch. I love them all so incredibly much.

On the other hand, Elizabeth is becoming more and more unbearable. Ever since last weekend when she wrote me a scathing email accusing me of everything I've done all semester that makes me a horrible roommate, I can't think of any way to actually talk to her. So, instead of standing up for my dignity, I've sort of just started complying with her email demands and not being on speaking terms. Latest complaint: She decided we're hosting a huge mardi gras party in our room on Saturday... but she didn't actually tell me about it. Instead, I found out when I found the event invitation on Facebook. Why does she not speak to me? It hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad about myself. I can't stand not getting along with people, especially those I see on a daily basis. Fortuately, basically everybody is on my side on this one, and I think Elizabeth is just going to end up pusing herself away from our group of friends. Almost everyone is mad at her now, for all different reasons. She's emotionally unstable, and she does not realize how important it is to communicate with people. She hides things from people ad doesn't let anyone in on anything important, and it's biting her in the ass. I really want to talk to her and fix things at least between her and me, but I'm too cowardly to initiate a conversation that I know neither of us really wants to have. So, I procrastinate. For now.

I'm exhausted: I need a vacation. I also need to spend less time in my room, because being in my room means doing homework and being around Elizabeth, neither of which I'm very enthusiastic about right now. I think maybe I just need to try harder.

1:33pm: This night's a perfect shade of dark blue.

Here are six things that I'm incredibly excited about:

1) Scot told Kyla today that we are both 99% likely to get to go to China!!! I believe his exact words were that as long as we don't drool during our interviews, we'll be going to frewaking CHINA this summer! BLAH FREAKING BLAH!! This is huge.

2) Andrews Hall. Is. Going. To. Be. Amazing. And I really want to be RA. And we're pretty sure that there will be Mentor positions again, but we don't know how many of this year's mentorts are doing it again, nor do we know how many positions there will be.

3) I currently have a brand new unopened box of pastels, a good art board, and really nice sketch paper, and I'm going to take them to the Denver Art Museum on Saturday and sketch one of the paintings there and be awesome. It's going to be awesome. Too bad I can't draw....

4) Next Saturday, I'm going skiing!!! Yay! With Ian and Otto and Christina and Hoffie and Mike and JOON! Hahaha, yeah.

5) Dude! It's been over 60 degrees for the last three days! And I've been wearing short sleeves and shorts and flip flops because it seemed like a good idea. And Boulder started doing that whole "it's spring so let's all always be outside" thing that tends to happen when it's warm out. I never really realize how many people there are at CU until they're all running around outside all over the campus throwing frisbees and tanning in the big Norlin Quad and on Farrand. It makes me love Boulder even more! No way!

6) Ian birthday party next Friday! I don't know what we're doing yet, but I'm telling you now that it's going to be LEGEN (wait for it... keep waiting.... hold on for just one more second...) DARY! Yeah, that's right.

7) I'm a teenager for exactly three more weeks. Then I become old, and we'll all celebrate.

Ok, when I said there were six things, I was just kidding beacuse I thought of seven. There are probably more, but I have to go now because TEAMS starts today!  Oh, wait......

8) TEAMS starts today! :)

Yeah, it's good. Later guys!

2:48pm: I hear in my mind all this music.

After having survivied a super long hard and busy week, I decided the best use of my Saturday "morning" was to lots of things that made me feel good, so I slept until almost 11, had coffee with breakfast, took a really long hot shower, gave myself a pedicure, and cooked a delicious lunch while playing really good music and dancing around my kitchen. Now, I'm totally chill and relaxed, and my pile of homework looks like a lame joke. Whatever, I'll wrote my last China essay first, call Lizzie about my other China essays, and finish my whole freaking China application, because then I'll have a good shot at going to China this summer. CHINA!!!! Blah!  I saw Scot yesterday, and I thanked him profusely for writing me a letter of rec, and he said that he put in a good word about me to Anja and thinks I have "a pretty good shot" of being accepted into the program!!!! Blah! I'm so excited and I really really want this to happen. And, speaking of Anja, she's for sure my second favorite professor ever in the world (second, of course, to Scot) and I love love love my HUEN class with her. The end.

The other thing I have to say is that Joon is so so nice and makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel important and loved, and I love spending time with him. And, he's pretty adorable and makes me smile all the time. And that's just about all I could ask for right now.
 

3:45pm: A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Mmmmmm I think life this semester is crazy, and I think it's not going to get less crazy for a while. And by that I mean, at all. Biochem and Fluids are turning out to be huge time-sucks, so freetime is incredibly scarce. Like, I'm pretty much working on fluids for a couple of hours every day, and since our homeworks are done in groups, I can only work on in when Christina and Otto are available. Then when I'm not needed for huge amounts of Fluids work, I need to block out big chunks of time to do unjust amounts of reading for biochem. Then with what time I have left, I stick in all the other homework and all the other tons of reading I have for my other freaking four classes. Which is a lot of other stuff!! I'm pretty much always doing homework, or taking short mental breaks, like this one. I have to just keep living form day to day, doing what's due tomorrow first, then trying to cram in as much other as I can bear to cram in. It's sort of like holding on to the back of a moving car, trying not to fall off and become road kill.

Plus, on top of all that, there's the whole working out my future thing. My China application is due on Sunday (aaaaah!!!!!) and I still have one more 500-word essay to pound out before then. I kind of want to ask someone to read over my personal statement essays before I submit them, and then I'm actually going to be done with it! Scot has already turned in my letter of recommendation, so now it's all on me. I can totally do this!! Keeping my fingers crossed that this works out, because I really REALLY want to get into this program! It's so perfect and wonderful and exactly what I want, so if I don't get in I'll be really bummed out.

I also have 5 more 2-hour RA training sessions ahead of me so that I can get hired by the Housing department, and then I need to get hired by Scot too (separately, with 4 essays... of course...) so I can RA in Andrews. And the competition for Andrews is a fierce one, and I'm tiny and scared and am likely to fail. It's totally up to Scot whether or not I get this dream job -- I want it so so much!!!!!!!! It makes me have to squint my eyes up really hard when I think of how much I want him to hire me.

Then, once this hell settles down, I need to start asking around the ChemE department to try to find a professor in whose lab I can intern. I sort of want to figure out whether or not I'm spending my summer in China before I do this so I know whether I'm looking for a summer job or a fall job, but still, I should start doing crazy online research so I know which labs I want to look into and which professors I need to start sucking up to.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that I have a ton of homework, always? There is not enough time for all these shits.

I haven't gotten to really hang out with Joon for almost two weeks. This makes me sad. I have no life! I have too much life! I'm drowning in life! *Blaaarrggh!* (<---That was the sound of drowning in life). But, it's really exciting and fun, and I want to do a million things.

Yeah, now I have to do lots of work. Bye!

10:45pm: Just our hands clasped so tight.
Sometimes, I feel this inexplicable burning need to dissolve into tears and punch the floor and scream until I'm totally spent. For no good reason. I wonder if I'm the only one this happens to. I also wonder if there's a good way to make these feelings go away, other than dissolving into tears and punching the floor and screaming until I'm spent. I either need therapy or a massage.

I find that I swing back and forth in my life between feeling steadfast and sure of who I am and what I'm doing with my precious days and feeling like a lost little girl with no sense of what's best. I don't think I usually know what it is that I want or why I do the things I do, but I pretend that it's all intentional to fool everyone around me including myself. Life is just one long indentity crisis.

11:18am: Oh, I'm sorry Ochem! Did I just totally kick your ass? Why, yes, yes I did. That's right.

3:53pm: I won't worry my life away.
Finals are stupid. I feel like I'm not allowed to leave my room because if I study, the whole world might crack in half. I'm having a hard time coming up with good ways to study beacuse re-reading my fat Ochem book sounds like a lousy idea, and I've already done 6 old midterms... What else can I do? I'm definitely not ready yet. Maybe I should have a study party, but something tells me that won't be very productive or successful. I just want to sleep and not feel pressured to be constantly cramming chemistry into my brain. Because that makes me feel gross.

Yesterday was the coldest day / night in the last 10 years. It hasn't gone above 10 degrees for 48 hours. It's so cold that my first breath outside is a shock to my system and makes me cough. It's so cold that there is a small layer of frost coating the insides of out windows. It's so cold that not only can I see my breath, but it casts a dark shadow on the ground. There are places where the sidewalks have been aggressively salted, so they're wet instead of icy, but they're really steamy. Basically, it's not supposed to go above freezing until Friday,and it's a good week to eat soup and drink a lot of tea.

And, I really really want to be on the Andrew's staff next year. RA would be awesome, so would Mentor if that post continues to exist. I hope they pick me, and I don't know how to improve my chances other than to suck up to Eric and Scot. So, I'll do that a little bit, and make sure they know how much I want it, and not for the wrong reasons like certain other applicants (Kristina / Greg.... *cough*) but because I think it would make me a better person and because I could help to imporve the quality of life of the other residents. I can be a charismatic leader, and I'm not in it for the free room, either. That and, Andrews is lookin' like it's going to be unbelievably cool. I took a special tour, and I could totally see myself living there. So that's it -- If I get a job, I will be living in Andrews. If I don't, I will be living there anyways. ....Yup.

Now, I will go make muffins.

4:00pm: Living for the day that I'm with you
Yesterday, it snowed all day long. In the morning on my way onto the campus, I was watching the ducks a little bit by Kitt ponds, and I noticed that the ponds were starting to freeze over except for a few skinny windy trails going across and around, and I wasn't sure what they were until I saw three duckies swimming in a line along the windy paths that had been "carved out." Even thought the water was clearly freezing, there were still little cleared-out patches that the ducks had made for themselves.  Today, I could still see where the trails were, but they weren't actually clear anymore. They were just covered in less snow than the other places. And I realized that there were no ducks to be seen. Where did all the ducks go? I'm sure they'll be back in a couple of days once the ice thaws a little bit, but until then, I'm honored to be able to ask the age-old question. Where do the ducks go?

Additionally, my EHON recitation is so awesome. I can't believe it's almost over -- one more meeting and we're d-o-n-e. Next week will be fantastic because we'll be reading The Death of Ivan Ilych, which is my second favorite book ever, and we'll help them to wrap up the class and discover the meaning of life. We decided that next semester we're going to try to meet once a month or so, causally over dinner or something, and discuss either the same books some more or pick now books to all read and continue having fabulous recitations just for the sake of the thing. We might also open it up to more than just our recitation, so that anyone who wanted to come discuss great literature for an evening could do so. Is that just too dorky, or is it totally awesome? I really hope it happens, because I think that sounds like a total blast.

The flatirons were stunning today. It made me need to take their picture. The contrast was just unbelievable.

11:28pm: Wake up to your face against the morning sun

Uggg, I hate having a cold. I'm always thirsty and tired, even though I slept in 'til 11:20 today and drank probably 5 cups of tea... But the thing is, a runny nose is the worst thing I have to say about my life, so I'm lucky.

I don't really have any motivation to start studying for finals, and I sort of need one. Other than a couple of random homework assignments, I don't really have that much school work, which means I need to start studying hard, but finals still seem so far away.. [reality check: they're actually in a week.] Somehow, the fact that I have a cold seems to give me pleanty of reasons to do nothing but read, go to bed early, ditch class, fail to study, and hang out with Joon non-stop. So, I like what I'm doing (those are all fantastic passtimes), but it's not what I should be doing. I need to push myself for just a coupld of mroe weeks, and then I get more time off. I hardly feel justified in looking forward to break, seeing as I just had a week off for Thanksgiving and I'm not stressed at all, but if I'm going to be this unmotivated it might as well be during a time when I have nothing to do.

I'm also supremely NOT looking forward to winter break, because I need to find a way to fix things with Zoe and I just can't, and also because that means a month away from Joon, which I will probably suck at.  I don't understand how people survive long-distance relationships, because I know there's no way in hell I could live with that. But, I fully intend to spend as much time as possible with friends and out of the house, so anyone I know in the state of Colorado should be expecting an urgent phone call the second I get back from Rhode Island.

Oh yeah, and I still haven't bought anyone any Christmas presents yet.... no good. I should get on that.

It snowed all freaking day today, and I loooooved it. The cold and wet was sort of silly, but now we have like 6 good inches of fluffy white powder, which means if all goes my way there will be a snow party tomorrow and I will get to act like a crazy little kid for some hours then drink a lot of hot chocolate. Kudos for the snow, god!

4:55pm: Watch the world around fly by us.

I'm sitting here in my room on my bed. The quilt currently on my bed doesn't belong here -- it usually goes on Lizzie's bed, but Mom put it on my bed anyways because she said it would help keep my comforter on better. There is also a tiny brown kitty on my bed, and she cries and squeeks when I wake her up and pet her. Then, once she's awake anyways, she licks her paw pads for a while because she's dainty. My whole house smells sweet because Mom and I made two pies for Thanksgiving tomorrow (pumpkin and lemon mirangue). Soon, the smell of eggplant parmesian will take over, and I'll have to go hover for dinner. The sky is currently that awesome shade of glowing blue that lasts for all of maybe ten minutes before the sky goes totally black, so I have the lights in my room off so I can see it better without the reflections of my light blocking my view. The light cast on my wall by the blue sky looks pink, although it probably isn't really. Rick Calvert's soft voice is singing in 4-way harmony with itsself, and I'm very calm. It's very peaceful up here, and it feels just like home even though hardly any of my stuff is actually here. I am so certain of my place in space because I've spent so many hours in this room over the last ... what, 12 years? 13? The point is, it's not even having all my things in the right place that make a room feel like home, it's the physical location and the knowledge of being exatly where I've seemingly always been. I'm not saying that my room in Boulder doesn't feel like my room, because that really does too, I love it there, but here in my own room, it's just different somehow. I've always been here. I grew up here. I've done so many things here, and it's just a part of me now. Even with the ridiculous mural of a cown jumping over the moon, which I hardly ever notice anymore, the different arrangement of the furnature, the new rug, the wrong quilt, the empty spaces. It's still here -- the world that is my room.
 

7:02pm: I'm trying to identify the voices in my head

~The lousy things about fall break:
Mom is crazy and has lots of rants and is very impatient and yells too much
Zoe is crazy and selfish and says and does hurtful things
There are no people who stay awake long enough, so things get boring
I miss my friends and Joon
Sometimes it's hard to get a word in edgewise

~The awesome things about break:
Kitties and fur therapy
A kitchen with lots of counter space
People excited to see me because I've been off at college and am therefore a novelty
Quirks that are usually annoying, but are endearing because I missed them
My room and my bed and my neighborhood
Lizzie is home and we get to do fun things together and catch up
No homework or stress or responsibility

I'm gearing up for Thanksgiving. I've got so many wonderful things in my life, and I know I don't appreciate them enough or often enough. So for these next few days, I'll make sure to be thankful and not forget how much I have. I will only notice the things that are awesome because the lousy things aren't important. And I'll remember all the good feelings and pull them close to my heart and surround myself with them. Family is so important, and this is a time when I absolutely appreciate my family.

9:47pm: I met someone by accident, and it blew me away.
Ok, I owe an update here, because I've only been posting private entries lately. Here's the general blow-by-blow. And before you read this, know ahead of time that I'm tired and feeling a thousand things and therefore continue at your own risk. And I'm promising myself right now that I'm not locking this entry later.

I've known Joon Kim for probably right about a year. He was the honors kid who lived in Hallett West for some reason, but he started coming over to our side all the time because he was one of us. He ate with us and went out and around with us and he was just one of the group. During the entirety of the Greg incident and all the assiciated drama, I sort of always saw him as someone who I could potentially like someday, but never today because I was surrounded by too much shit. There were even a couple of small moments, but I didn't think about them too much.

At the end of this summer, when we all went camping together, I was in a state where I just really needed something and I was feeling lost, and Joon was there and awesome and my friend, and there were several times during those three days where I could have sworn there was something there, but I late convinced myself that it was all in my head because I didn't really trust myself at all, and probably for good reasons. Then I went on to hardly ever see him for a couple of months.

Then, one Thusday (haha.... classic....) I decided to invite him over for lunch because I missed seeing him all the time. I've already vented about the Thursday, so here's the brief of it: It became very clear to me that something big was happening which required attention and wondering. I had a great therapy session with Kyla about stalking and pursuing versus waiting and trusting that something will happen eventually, and we came to the overall conclusion that people like us are too cautious and think way too hard about these things. Later, I came to the conclusion that I needed to give love a chance and throw caution to the winds once in a while and stop over-analyzing everything. I believe my exact words were "If he asks me out, I'm going to say yes." And I left it about at that, because I need to start trusting myself.

On Sunday, we had a birthday dinner for Miki and Alex, during which I sat next to Joon and Otto. Otto was a pain in my ass, as usual, and it would have been super fun except Joon was taking up my whole brain at the time and therefore Otto became just too much and therefore annoying. And Joon acted similarly to the Thursday lunch. That night, I did some thinking and decided I needed to stop overthinking for crying out loud, and I needed to talk to Joon about it, even though I'm usually a coward.

On Monday, I talked to Joon outside the Engineering Center. I asked him to clarify his intentions for me if he could. He said he really liked me and that he was just trying to figure things out. I told him I had been confused but now I was just ready to be flexible, and that he should do whatever would be best for him. Then we hung out for an hour or so, and somehow, the universe was on my side and things just felt very easy and comfortable and right. I didn't feel like I had to try. I was just me, myself, and I did what felt natural without thinking too hard, and it was so comfortable.

After, I obviously (being me) started to think too hard and worry that this was all wrong and that Joon was too worried and that my confronting the issue on Monday had made things worse. So I called him and requested that we have a chance for some face time before Break. This was really all for selfish reasons, because I don't think I could have tolerated myself for 9 days without any sort of confimation either way. So we agreed to hang out on Thursday after my Chem tests were over. And, he told me that I worry too much, which is absolutely correct.

Then on Thursday, we hung out in the EC for a while because he was waiting for a meeting that he needed to attend, which would have been better had I not been freezing cold, hungry, and melty-brained due to my chemistry overload. So I went home and ate warm soup and hot chocolate and got in my PJs, then he came over about 20 minutes later because his meeting was super short. I fed him some eggs and turkey, then we decided to watch a movie.

We flopped on my couch under my super-soft blanket and started the movie, and he he scooted over right next to me and put his arm around me, then later he held my hand, and we watched Pirates 2 and it was so perfect. As in, when I was laying awake for hours the night before playing out how the evening might possibly turn out (I know, I think about things too much), I imagined him saying certain things or doing certain things, and I had this ideal that I thought would be nice if it ever happened, but assumed wouldn't actually happen because it was just the ideal. But Joon managed to evesdrop on my thoughts somehow, and I know this because he did and said all the right things. It was so perfect and right that I could hardly believe it was all happening for reals. It was so easy and comfortable and right. And the whole time, I didn't once wonder if I was doing the right thing, and I didn't think hard about anything at all. I just closed my eyes and let the hours play themselves out and went along with what came up. And it was so perfect. I felt the whole thing, I didn't miss a second. And it all actually happened. And I know this because even after he was gone and I was lying awake trying to fall asleep, I could smell him on my hands. I remember lying half awake in his arms holding his hand, and all I want to do is either freak out or call him up and tell him to come over pronto. Being a civilized human being, I do neither, I just blush a little bit as my stomach drops to my feet for a sec.

Now, I have 9 days with myself to live though before I get to see him again, but it's better now because I'm not going to worry. I'm not going to doubt Joon or myself. And if I do, even for a second, I'll just remember how easy and perfect yesterday was and stop worrying immediately. And I might try calling him a couple of times if it gets hard to live with myself, even though I suck at talking to people on the phone, because when I'm with him I feel great, so maybe a phone call would be almost as good as the real thing. Then, I'll come back to Boulder and we'll hang out again. This is all real, and I know it because I told all my friends about it and it's official. We're even a couple on Facebook, even though I think Facebook is ridiculous, because it seemed silly not to. This feels real and right, and I'm so glad how well it's working out for us. I have one thing in my crazy life that I really feel sure of right now, and I'm not about to give it up.

I'm so ready for this, and Joon seems perfect and right. I dove in head first because it seemed like a good idea at the time, and that's the way it should be. It's so perfect that I almost want to say it was destiny or fate or something. Yup, it's pretty good.

9:32pm: Sometimes, I wear heavy boots.

And sometimes, I love.

But I am always thinking, and existing.

Life is one long identity crisis.

10:12pm: Promise not to fade away, never fade away...
I'm thinking about a lot of things today. I'm thinking about Joon, because I haven't seen him yet and I'm wondering if I should call him. I'm thinking about Ian and how much I want to just be his best friend. I'm thinking of where I want to live next year and why. I'm thinking about study abroad and internships and classes. And I'm still trying to figure out how interactive I should be in my life and how much I'm willing to take risks.

Ummmm, so boys. For now, I sort of decided to let this thing just play itsself out. Except for the fact that I decided that five days ago and there hasn't been a word of news since, only silly ambiguity. I have all day tomorrow, and I wonder if part of it should be inviting the present to run its course. It's complicated, as usual, and I don't know where I stand on this issue at all anymore. Which means I shouldn't be the one making decisions around here.

I'm reconsidering my dream of Paris, again, as usual: Christina and Molly and also possibly Ian are all going to be in New Zealand in the fall, and now all of a sudden I'm thinking that I need to join them. Ok, I know that the whole point of study abroad is to completely branch out and do something completely unfamiliar, but I need my friends in order to survive, and I don't want to end up lonely. I'm not saying that I think I would if I were to go to France, I'm just saying that if I were to go to New Zealand with some of my best friends, it would be fabulous. So fabulous. I'd be able to share inside jokes and feel completely safe, and still have pleanty of opportunity to meet a thousand new people and have a grand adventure and everything. Is this such a bad thing? Although, studying abroad in the fall (which is actually from July to November) would rule out most of my grand plans: It would mean that getting a post as RA or mentor in Andrews next year would be pretty impossible, and it would make my summer/fall/spring awesome internship seem silly. I mean, would it work out to ask for a job for May and June, then come back in November or January or whenever and pick it back up? And then, I doubt I would be able to also go to France. I'm taking a hudred french classes because I want to go to France. The plan I already had seemed so perfect for me, and I really am excited by the prospect of the thing, but I just want to be with my friends so badly.... Xiao and Otto are both going away for all of next year for co-op programs, Christina will be gone, Ian will be gone, Kyla might be gone.... I don't know what I'm going to do without them. So how great would it be to go with them? We'd be gone at the same time, and I'd be with some of them, and it would probably be one of the greatest things I could possibly imagine doing with my life. I want everything, but I don't see how this could possibly happen in a million years. Theoretically, if I were to stick with plan A, I would likely be living in Andrews and be surrounded by a hundred other firends, and I'd be fine... but these guys are like my family up here. I don't even want to think of them not being here! Again, I'm 99% sure that whichever way I go, I'll be happy, but that doesn't make this decision any easier for me right now. I'll obviosly discuss this with my family in a week when I'm home, but until then, I get to agonize about it and go back and forth a hundred times. There are too many opportunities in college, and I need to be better at knowing what's best for myself so that I can make good choices. I predict that I'll end up sticking with my France plan, but New Zealand sounds like a dream right now. We'll see how I feel about it tomorrow.

3:19pm: There's no need to complicate.

This weekend was so much fun. On Friday I hung out with Ian for a long time, then Christina and I went to Flatirons Mall because she needed a water-proof coat for crew. We realized that there was a bus scheduled to leave in like 2 miutes, so we grabbed our coats and literally ran all the way to the bus stop and just barely cought it. We went to Old Navy for no reason and bought some cute clothes and we ate crepes for dinner. Then things got funny -- I got home and realized that I had run out without my room key and was locked out of my home. I called Elizabeth, and she had gone home to Denver for the weekend!! Aaaah! So I ended up spending the night sleepin gon Kyla and Christina's couch for the night and all of Saturday. It was way fun though, because I've always wanted to have a real sleepover with them, and so we stayed up late talking and everything, which was awesome.  Kyla and I made the most incredible cake I've ever made in my life (No kidding! It was quite the adventure, and it took us over 3 hours!) bcause it was Mac's birthday last week and we wanted to throw him a tiny party. I stayed up super late again because Kyla, Christina, Ian and I were having too much being all squished on their tiny couch all on top of each other and goofing off and taking random pictures. Then I slept until 10, ate breakfast, read me some Annie Dillard, fell asleep for two more hours, then did a huge amount of Ochem, as usual. Elizabeth is cooking a huge bavarian dinner all day, which everyone will eat for dinner tonight. And, I still have to write up a lab report, do two prelabs, two online quizzes, and edit my French essay for tomorrow. Oops, I guess that's what happens when I pretend that weekends are for hanging out with my friends, haha!

I live in a time warp. I have midterms again just next week, then Thanksgiving, then two more weeks of class, then FINALS! Then a month of vacation! Holy sha-moley!

8:39pm: A knock on the front door
I did so much chemistry this weekend it wasn't even funny. I pretty much did all the Pchem reading that was assigned since our last midterm (almost a month ago) except the last three sections, which I will be doing very shortly, as well as my assigned chunk of the MEBs homework. SO MUCH! Plus all that Ochem that I did yesterday... I'm way proud of myself for pounding that all out. I also cleaned the whole kitchen really nicely and made a cake. Oh yes, I'm way good.

Is it weird that I'm actually looking forward to this week? Puhahahaha!

12:36am: I don't want to be your regret, I'd rather be your cocoon.

Oh, how the days go by. I've been having a hard time distinguising the days of the week lately, because I happen to live in a time warp. I have my second round of midterms already coming up this next week, so this weekend is one very full of chemistry. Last night was super fun, because Ian and Otto and Tim and I all went to Mac's house and watched Transformers then played Super Mario Wii Olympics. Really it was Ian that made it so much fun, because he seemed to be in a super good mood and he was being extra nice to me and everything. Oh my gosh, I for sure still have a soft spot for that kid, and half of me wants to jump at my opportunity, but the other half of me wants to hide in a corner, or at least proceed with caution. Enh, but he's so fantastic.... I don't know yet. And I need some serious therapy, but my usual therapist can't really be much help on this subject, unfortunately. It makes my stomach turn over a lot.

Today I did Ochem pretty much all day. As in, I woke up at 10, showered, ate, and did Ochem until 4:30. Then I had a lovely visit with my dearest of friends, Kyla and Michaela, then did Ochem some more until about 6:15. Overall, I'm pretty sure I spent almost 6 hours doing JUST CHAPTER 18. Blech. Tomorrow, I will study Pchem until I essplode, then I will do MEBs homework, then I will study more Pchem, then I will study more Ochem... yeah, I think you guys get the point. Horrific death by chemistry.

I have an advising meeting with Clough on Monday, which will be so much fun because I have a million questions that he can help me with. I love this time of year, because I get to spend a lot of time thinking about my future and making decisions and being productive and exploring everything that is most interesting to me. I'm really glad that there are so many classes that I want to take, because it makes me more sure that I'm in the right major and everything. All of the 4000+ chemistry electives sound so interesting -- I don't know whether to take Inorganic Chem, Instrument Analysis, Survey of Biochem, Bichem 1, or if I should just continue with Pchem 2. And I have too many credits that I need to take, which means I'm going to be busy busy busy as usual. Oh, and I need to ask him about lab internships! Maybe I can fill out some applications somewhere and get a lab job and be a real live chemisty! Oh my gosh!

So the moral of the story is, I'm exhausted but not sleepy, and I'm really drained from Chem and confused about life and the universe. Also, I just though that you all should know that on Monday, we had an inch of snow on the ground, and then it was 80 degrees this afternoon, and then it's supposed to snow again on Monday night. Wtf....? I don't understand why anyone would willingly live somewhere other than Colorado. The Flatirons are the most beautiful things... And all the trees are yellow and red, and the sunsets are spectacular, and it's all just sittitng there right oustide of my window. Sometimes, I just can't quite believe it.

Other news that randomly popped into my head: Greg is now officially for real a complete asshole and he proved it to the whole world, and I seriously couldn't care less. I always knew he was mostly an asshole, but now it's official. He's just some guy with whom I have no connection or association at all, and I'm freaking GLAD about it. Hells yes.

12:07am: You're leading me into the place where I found peace again
I have the most amazing friends. I'm so lucky. Whenever I need to, I can surround myself with the people who make me feel secure and make everything bad just vanish.

Yesterday, Scot said: "The most valuable gift that you can give a person would be to reach into his soul, and to somehow verify his identity so that for the rest of his life, no matter what happened, he would never have to struggle with who he is because he will be able to embrace himself fully. And everything he would do would be because he is passionate about it, and everything of excellence that he performed would be for the sake of excellence itsself. If you could give this gift to a person, you would enable him to be truly whole. How can we begin to achieve this?"

1:47pm: Dreams last so long
I had like a 3 hour therapy session last night with Alex, and it made me feel better. Then I studied for materials a tiny bit (and by studied, what I mean is that I put sticky notes on strategic pages in my textbook, because it was an open-book test) then slept. This morning I had my materials test, which wasn't really all that bad, except there was one problem that was puzzling for a while because I didn't think we had enough information, but then I re-read the question and the info I was looking for was right there at the end of the question. Duuuh... so overall, I think I did alright. Then I came home and spend many hungry hours cleaning my apartment (there were a thousand dishes to do because my roommate refuses to wash any dishes ever) and doing a very tiny bit of homework, and then I bought lots of posters online because allposters.com was having a 20% off sale that ends tonight, and plus I really needed some posters. Other things that I did were listening to the latest episode of This American Life and playing all of my favorite songs all in a row. Next, I'm going to go visit me some friends.

2:59pm: Looking at the world

Sometimes, I feel like I'm watching instead of causing, and I wish it was the other way around.